Contestant Lorena Feijoo. Photo by Richard M. Brooks

I Love You, Beth Cooper
Is it worth $10? No
Hudak grades it a D

By Dan Hudak // hudakonhollywood.com

I hated “I Love You, Beth Cooper.” I hated everything about it. I hated Beth Cooper, who’s an irresponsible, arrogant twit. I hated Denis, who’s book smart but socially inept, for being so infatuated with her. I hated the way the movie went from one event to the next, with no logical assembly to the story.

At one point “Beth Cooper” became so dismal that I started looking for more things to hate than the obvious. I stopped myself with the costume designer, because at that point Beth, played by Hayden Panettiere (“Heroes”), was about to get naked and run around in the shower with two friends. They do, but it all happens off screen, so I started hating the cinematographer.

The movie lacks originality, plot, reason, likeable characters, funny moments and decent acting. The story, written by Larry Doyle (based on his novel), begins with high school senior Denis (Paul Rust) proclaiming his love for cheerleading captain Beth during his valedictorian speech at graduation. She’s embarrassed, and her ’roided-up, coked-up, criminally insane Marine Corps boyfriend named Kevin (Shawn Roberts) makes it his mission to beat the snot out of nerdy Denis every chance he gets, as if that will actually prove something.

It’s during their second fight (the first is out in the open immediately after graduation) that the movie’s true idiocy shines through. We know Denis is smart, and Kevin is a meathead. Why, then, would Denis try to fight off Kevin with a fake “Star Wars” light saber, knowing full well that two pounds of plastic are no match for Kevin’s fists? Smart people should never do such dumb things if a movie expects to have even an ounce of credibility. Director Chris Columbus, who’s made some wonderful films (“Home Alone,” “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone”), surely knows better.

Much to Denis’ surprise, Beth shows up at his house after graduation, and a night of chaos, property damage, bad driving, contrived situations and stupid, non-sensical decisions ensues. Beth’s slutty friends (played by Lauren London and Lauren Storm) join the party, as does Denis’ friend Rich (Jack Carpenter), who’s burdened with the running joke of possibly being gay. Note to aspiring screenwriters: This isn’t funny, and never was, principally because it’s socially irresponsible to suggest there’s anything wrong with being gay.

Was there anything to like about “I Love You, Beth Cooper?” No. The script tries to convey the idea that we should make the most out of the time we have, and that people often aren’t what they appear to be. But this sentiment fails too, mostly because we don’t give a damn about anyone involved. By the end of the movie Beth could have spit in Denis’ face and I wouldn’t have cared. Maybe that means I’m heartless. Or maybe this movie just sucks.

comments@theleadmiamibeach.com